Kid jokes
The fat kid asked the teacher, "Is Godzilla real?" The teacher said, "They're standing right in front of me."
What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?
"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid sitting on his lap?
"Just beat it."
What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?
They both got a 10% survival rate...
We all know what rapper she’s talking about…
A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.
Why?
The kid had no legs.
My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a campfire and shouted out "Hot Wheels!"
A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.
Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"
What is David Bowie known for when making music? He gets his beats from his kids.
What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?
Why did Oliver have no friends?
His last name was Clothesoff, and all the other kids would get in trouble whenever they would ask to play with Oliver Clothesoff.
I got detention for giving an emo kid a happy meal.
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”
When the school shooter drops his gun, and the autistic kid picks it up thinking it’s his long lost nerf gun.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits until a kid is a teenager to come on its face.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
What goes up but never past the digits 15?
A Make-A-Wish kid...
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."