Kid jokes

I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.

VOTING QUARTERFINAL 3: LIKE: When the school shooter throws a smoke grenade into the classroom and the autistic kid thinks it’s a Disco party. 🕺🕺🕺

DISLIKE: When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering but you walk toward his gun; “I will finish what you started.”

Vote for the better joke.

What is the similar thing between alcohol and anal sex?

They are not for kids.

If you're feeling mad, punch an autistic kid. What's he gonna do, blabber to the teacher?

Why do my kids die?

Stinky Oussy :D

What is David Bowie known for when making music? He gets his beats from his kids.

How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?

Power off his chair.

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

Dark humor is like kids with cancer; they never get old.

What do you call an Autistic kid?

A work of Daniel.

What do you call a kid with a special sense of humor? Autism, hahaha!

What do orphans and sperm donor kids have in common? They don't have dads.

How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.

How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.

The parents who left their kids on the side of the road should have thought twice and got an abortion.

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

When the school shooter gives the autistic kid a glock and he shoots himself, thinking it’s a cigarette.

Me on my way to the principal's office after the trans kid told me to act my age, so I told him to act his gender.

Why was the kid not able to cross the hallway?

Answer: The school shooter already shot him in the middle of the hallway.

This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."

A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.

“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

Pin drop silence in the class!

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”