Joke jokes
I love escalator jokes. There's not too many steps.
A bat mitzvah for sheep is a baaaaaat mitzvah!
What do you call Stephen Hawking on pot?
Pot wheels.
If sex with three people is called a "threesome" and sex with two people is called a "twosome," then I know why people call you handsome!
What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini.
Beth was from Spain and she had a pig. What did they call her?
Beth-la-ham
Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
When the emo kid is about to hang himself in the school bathroom, and the autistic kid starts swinging the rope like Indiana Jones!
We should really stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was depressed.
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
One stops sucking when you slap it.
I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"
I said, "Making holy water."
She said, "How are you making holy water?"
I'm boiling the hell out of it.
What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?
Nothing, they both stain.
Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”
Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.
Why do orphans that go to their friend's house get this reaction from the friend's mom:
"Go back to your house, it's late." "Finn, wait, can I have your mom's phone number?" "Finn, wait, aren't you an orphan?" "Wait, don't you have a phone, Finn?" "Wait, I forgot, you don't have a phone because nobody wanted to get you a phone or to get you."
What do you call a lesbian? Me.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
A fly is 6 inches above water, and a fish sees it and it leaps out and gets the fly. Then a bear grabs the fish and eats it. Then a hunter shot the bear, and a mouse saw some crackers and then leaped on the cracker and ate it. Then a cat runs down to get the mouse, trips, and falls into the water, and that's the story of how six inches can get a pussy wet.