Joke jokes
POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me, I'm going in. 😚😏
My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Old soviet joke.
"Who is your mother?" "Our great Soviet country." "Who is your father?" "Our dear comrade Stalin." "What's your greatest desire?" "Becoming an orphan."
Kid: "What's dark humor?"
Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."
Kid: "I am blind, Mom."
Mom: "Exactly."
Why did the girls sit on the clock?
To be on time.
So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."
For all of my musicians out there!
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
What do you call a banana eating a banana?
Canabananalism.
What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to turn them on before they start to suck.
When is a piece of wood made king?
When it's a ruler.
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(People will then say "r")
Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.