Joke Jokes

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

Why was Hitler bad at math?

He could only count to nein.

What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?

Eileen.

What's the hardest part of riding a scooter?

Telling your parents you are gay.

Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?

Because it's finger lickin' good!

when your texting your friend funny jokes, Them on the other side when they say lol:

A woman with long hair is yawning with her hand to her face. The background is blurry.

Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

Q: What’s the difference between me and you?

A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?

De-calf-inated.

I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Do you know how to make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until their parents come home.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was stuffed.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"