Joke jokes

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

Do you know how to make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until their parents come home.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?

Optimistic.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.

Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.

What's sad and has no life? The person reading this.

What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill’s candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock ‘cause Jill’s real name is Randy.

Yes, this joke is stolen.

As an Autist, I find these jokes really funny. Thanks for the early 13th birthday present, ya'll :>

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.

So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.