Jesus jokes

When God made Chinese, he said, "DON'T LOOK!" and the Chinese said, "Why?"

And God replied, "You won't want to be fruitful and multiply if you saw where you are putting that thing."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

When God made White Man, he said, "NEVER SHUT YOUR EYES!" and the white man said, "Why?"

And God replied, "You need to keep an eye out for the Chinese, one day they will out number you."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

Then the white man said, "There is a white genocide!"

And the survivors of the Holocaust said, "All these Europeans killed each other, so a white genocide is accurate. White killed white."

Then the Chinese said, "Thank you, we take your land now."

And the Jews said, "But we are God's chosen people!"

And the Chinese said, "Yes, every time God show up you get bullied! You might want to worship someone else!"

And the Jews said, "Why are you Chinese so lucky, you can't even see, you blind!"

And the Chinese said, "Jesus say be in the world not of the world, so don't go looky looky at the world then."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

Q: What did Jesus say when he got nailed to the cross?

A: Owwww!!!!!

What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?

They were both killed by Romans.

Why can't Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

Why can Jesus walk on water?

Because rubbish floats.

Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?

Santa Claus!

Jesus walked, so Mohammad can fly.

Jesus seemed like he was probably a good guy; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice.

Jesus had only one flaw: he was always hanging around.

It took Jesus 3 days to respond.

Worst lag ever!

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?

One had the last supper.

What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?

When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.

God is fake.

What's the difference between Jesus and Christmas tree lights?

They can both flash.

Why did Jesus not win any Stanley Cups? Because he was cut from the team because he kept being pinned to the boards.

Haha

Why does Jesus hate Skittles?

Because they fall through his hands.

Mary is hanging out, and the angel Gabriel descends behind her. She looks behind her and says, "Jesus Christ!" and the angel Gabriel said, "So you already know."

Jesus can’t judge gay people, because he got nailed before he died.