Ives jokes

I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.

It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!

Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.

Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.

There's like a weird after taste though.

Kinda like a sparkling water one.

I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

I've seen more charisma in a wet mop than in BLESSEDBRIAN'S personality.

I’ve seen doorknobs more interesting than LEO.

I’ve seen more life in a trampled garden gnome than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.

I had the best butterfingers yesterday.

I dropped it.

A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Yo momma so fat, Santa said, "Ho, ho, ho, I've gotta go!"

I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.

I don't know why, but every 911 joke I've heard always comes crashing down.

I've started playing the triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual.

I just stand at the back and ting.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve got only my shelf to blame!

I sat down and reminisced about the past. I remembered all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't a good idea.

Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?

Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!

Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!

I've been looking for my parents for years.

For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.

I've been sad recently that the Twin Towers aren't around, so I made the conclusion to build a time machine to watch it again.

I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.

A guy walks up to a girl. He says, "Hey, you want a poker? I’ve got one."

Your Friend: Bro, I'm having a movie sleepover tonight. I've invited 17 people, wanna come?

You: Yeah, but why so many people?

Your Friend: Because the DVD says only 18+ viewers.

You: Dude!!!!