Ives jokes

I've seen more charisma in a wet mop than in BLESSEDBRIAN'S personality.

I’ve seen doorknobs more interesting than LEO.

I’ve seen more life in a trampled garden gnome than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.

I sat down and reminisced about the past. I remembered all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't a good idea.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve got only my shelf to blame!

Yo momma so fat, Santa said, "Ho, ho, ho, I've gotta go!"

I've been looking for my parents for years.

For the life of me, I can't remember where I hid their bodies.

I've been sad recently that the Twin Towers aren't around, so I made the conclusion to build a time machine to watch it again.

I don't know why, but every 911 joke I've heard always comes crashing down.

I've started playing the triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual.

I just stand at the back and ting.

I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.

A guy walks up to a girl. He says, "Hey, you want a poker? I’ve got one."

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

It's been a while since I've talked to either Prince or tj. Do any of you boys wanna chat? Plapls?

Your Friend: Bro, I'm having a movie sleepover tonight. I've invited 17 people, wanna come?

You: Yeah, but why so many people?

Your Friend: Because the DVD says only 18+ viewers.

You: Dude!!!!

I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict. That's why I'm never intending to visit Syria.

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.