it's jokes
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9, my basement is still dark!
Why is the wheel the best invention?
Because it's wheely wheely great!
What did the water say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved!
I got barred from Weight Watchers today.
It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?
When I was little, I used to think that the people in cartoons were real people...until I turned 7. I realized that it was just people doing voices. Sad, isn't it?
What did the cupcake tell its frosting?
I’d be muffin without you.
Babe, it's over.
After all I've done for you? Wow! I cheated on you with your sister anyway.
I meant the movie...
What is wrong with having chocolate for dessert? It tastes like shit, and I hate it.
How many South Africans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian.
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
If a deaf person is at court, then is it still called a hearing?
Why doesn't bread like warm weather?
It gets toasty!
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
What is more fun than spinning a clown around on a clothes line at 100 miles an hour?
Stopping it with a pitchfork.
Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
What did the clock say when it got punched at noon?
It’s twelve o'clock.