it's jokes

Person: I'd really like it if you'd stop saying my name all the time.

Random Person: Cheesus! That hurt!

Person: SERIOUSLY!?!?

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

An orphan's favorite toy is a boomerang. It comes back to them, unlike their parents.

I was going to tell you a joke about paper, but it was too TEAR-ABLE. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Why was the booty so good at math?

It knew all the ANGLES.

How many babies does it take to paint wheels red?

It depends on your speed.

What’s the difference between life and a rape joke?

Life fucks you until you stop breathing; a rape joke fucks you until it’s not funny anymore.

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.

Q. Why aren't Epstein jokes funny? A. Because it's such a touchy subject.

Monkey: What ya doing?

Other monkey: Just you know, "hanging around."

Bad joke, right? I just can't think of something amazing. It's like my brain is "hanging."

I'm going to do a song that's called "Falling" by Trevor Daniel... so here it goes.

My last made me feel like I would never try again But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt Come closer, I'll give you all my love If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything My last made me feel like I would never try again But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt Come closer, I'll give you all my love If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything Talk to me, I need to hear you need me like I need ya Fall for me, I wanna know you feel how I feel for you, love Before you, baby, I was numb, drowned out pain by pouring up Speeding fast on the run, never want to get caught up Now you the one that I'm calling Swore that I'd never fall again, don't think I'm just talking I think I might go all in, no exceptions, girl, I need ya Think I'm out of my mind, 'cause I can't get enough Only one that I give my time, 'cause I got eyes for ya Might make an exception for ya, 'cause I been feeling ya Think I might be out of my mind, I think that you're the one My last made me feel like I would never try again But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt Come closer, I'll give you all my love If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything My last made me feel like I would never try again But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt Come closer, I'll give you all my love If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything I'll never give my all again 'Cause I'm sick of falling down When I open up and give my trust They find a way to break it down Tear me up inside, and you break me down.

I tried to play with rock, but it was hard.

I wish the grass in my backyard was emo so it would cut itself.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.

His hairline is so ugly that Martin Luther King had a dream about it.

How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how they got in there's the real mystery!

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.