it's jokes

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.

- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.

- How did the gay person die? Homicide.

- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.

- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.

- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.

- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they are full of ears!

Now that was a corny joke.

And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipses it!

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

It's the season of giving, so I'll be giving up!

"Waiter, my steak is too skinny."

"It's a strip steak, sir."

"At these prices, it should not only strip, but sing and dance too!"

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.

Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?

Actually, I shouldn't spread it.

Me: Wanna play 9/11?

Friend: What's that?

Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

Why did the bum get a slap?

Because it was being too cheeky.

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?

A self-fie.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

So I heard it was important to clean your sex toys, which is why priests invented baptism I guess.

What happens when a clock is hungry?

It goes back four seconds.