it's jokes
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipses it!
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”
Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.
It's the season of giving, so I'll be giving up!
"Waiter, my steak is too skinny."
"It's a strip steak, sir."
"At these prices, it should not only strip, but sing and dance too!"
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.
Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?
Actually, I shouldn't spread it.
Me: Wanna play 9/11?
Friend: What's that?
Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
Why did the bum get a slap?
Because it was being too cheeky.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
So I heard it was important to clean your sex toys, which is why priests invented baptism I guess.
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
Yo mama so stupid, she stared at a juice box because it said concentrate.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An envelope.
Emo jokes are not funny, so cut it out.