it's jokes

The reason why the "eating a tide pod" trend ended so fast is because everyone that did it died.

The Twin Towers and genders have a lot in common. There used to be two, and now it's just a touchy subject.

Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.

The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

What makes you think feminists can change anything?

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".

But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.

Your forehead [is] so big that if I drew an H on it, Kobe could have landed there.

Why do orphans like to play GTA?

Because it's the only time they are wanted.

Why is Helen Keller's child blind too? She always fed it with a fork!

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

What do kidnappers and Mickey Mouse have in common? They say, "Come inside, it’s fun inside."

Is Google a girl or a boy?

Obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.