it's jokes

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

Got the George Floyd pack, this shit makin' it hard to breathe.

Me: I have lost it.

Random: Lost what?

Me: My will to live.

How do you make a fruit punch?

You give it a pair of boxing gloves.

I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

It's not rape if you're both crying.

Why did God invent yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they are full of ears!

Now that was a corny joke.

And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.