it's jokes

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only Juan.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

It's not rape if you're both crying.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

Me: I have lost it.

Random: Lost what?

Me: My will to live.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.