it's jokes

What’s 8 inches and women scream when they see it?

A puppy, you dirty monkey!

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

Your hairline is lookin' so crusty like KFC chicken and be so discombobulated that it looks like satellite signals. It gives me flippin' sun radiation.

Yo hairline so far back, it goes back to Jesus on the cross!

How to kick a deaf person off the plane:

Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.

Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.

Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.

Your lips are so big, it turns the Grand Canyon sideways.

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

I gave a blind person a gun and said it was a hair dryer.

I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.

What's the difference between being gay and straight? Well, it is the hole.

You wanna know why Stephen Hawking isn't going to heaven?

Because it's a stairway, not a ramp.

A man walked into a zoo and there was only one dog.

He came out and said, "It was a shitzu."

Why did the clock out the library?

It tocked too much!

What makes it cold in a room? Air conditioning.

Why did the baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to a chicken.

What did the cow call its own life? An udder mistake.

How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?

He could feel it in his bones!