it's jokes

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

I threw a Asian down some stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

Family photo.

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.

Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?

Because every time they scan, it scans twice.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?