it's jokes

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.

Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?

Because every time they scan, it scans twice.

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.

Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.

If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap? "Just beat it, just beat it."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Johnny Depp fans claim to support their god because they sympathize with male victims of sexual assault. Yet a large chunk of them cheer on Wacko Jacko raping little boys, calling it "innocent".

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."