it's jokes

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

How did the dead baby cross the road?

It was strapped to the chicken.

Your forehead is so big that teachers use it as a whiteboard.

Society: :-)

I: :')

Society: you're doing it WRONG. It's :-) not :')

I: :'D

10 Fun Facts.

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

Family photo.

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only Juan.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

Why is it best to date suicidal women? Because if there's no pulse, there's no need for consent.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.