it's jokes

My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.

But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.

Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.

Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."

Dark humor is like parents, not everybody gets it.

You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.

The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.

The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?

It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

I threw a Asian down some stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"