it's jokes

Why do orphans go to church?

It’s the only place they can call someone “father.”

So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.

The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.

So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Make it clap until its parents come home.

When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

How did the orphan lose its parents?

Its parents never came back from getting milk.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?” Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. “Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly. “Correct,” says the teacher. The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?” Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil. “Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts. “Correct again,” says the teacher. The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep. This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?” Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

I need to go to the tailor, or so it seams.

Hairline so big people had to time travel to find the end of it.

"Tibia" honestly, I think the reason I’m "bonely" is because you guys don’t find my jokes "humerus."

Maybe if I played the trombone it would get people’s attention, but "tibia" honest I can’t be bothered, so just look at my "BONE-zai" tree, although my brother doesn’t really like that one, so how about a "S-pine" tree?

What did the bones on the moon tell the astronaut?

The cow never made it.

I heard an unusual word the other day: "Opaque."

Unfortunately, what it means is unclear.

It's gonna take a step stool to get a blow job.

My money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds.

I want to see you wiggle wiggle, for sure.

KFC doesn't mean Kentucky Fried Chicken, it means "Kill Fat Children."

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down!

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.

A penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess. His family is nuts. His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him. That's it for now.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

Do emo kids get jealous of their phone when it dies?