IT jokes
Why did the woman get raped in the ass?
She assed for it.
Are guys scared of the word "Choppiness"?
Because it is literally saying "chop-penis."
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.
Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?
Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.
After the shooting, people were asking why they would do it.
They wanted to stop but it turns out they were playing an online game.
A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.
She replied "Oh fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
What does a skeleton say when it has a lot of stuff?
"I have a skele-TON of stuff to do."
If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 2.5-hour Energy?
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.
The great meme reset is like a fart. If you force it, it's gonna be shit.
My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.
Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.
I have some black friends who hate it when I say the N-word around them, so I got a pet monkey.
Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."
Stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?
Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.
Do you know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"?
No, it screeches.
Why can’t orphans work at AC Johnson’s?
Because it’s a family company.