INS jokes
What do women and moldy bread have in common?
A yeast infection.
I had to run out of the library because I put the cookbooks in the women's sports section.
I was walking down the street one day, and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and everything was half off. I didn't know back-to-school sales had started already!
The devil's number is 346 because you will be in jail.
Why is Ronnie Anne in love with Lincoln? Because he has a fat nugen.
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.
Stop making jokes about people in wheelchairs. They can't stand up for themselves.
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.
Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The Constitution says you do, and so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent, and that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!
What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable in a wheelchair?
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
Your momma so ugly, when the Kool-Aid man burst in the door, he said, "Oh no!"
What’s the difference between kids and drugs?
I don’t hide drugs in my basement.
We're all unique, which is something we all have in common.
Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?
A: He was in a mid-life crisis.
What do whales use to rub out a mistake in their homework? Their blubber.
What does an orphan's life and a pseudoword have in common?
They both have no meaning.