INS jokes
What do you call a phone that talks?
A reader in a leader.
What plate do you need to eat in a car? A license plate!
In America, mom births you.
In Soviet Russia, you birth mom.
If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.
If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.
How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
What's the difference between when I opened the window in a car wash and when Kawhi Leonard did it? At least my dad didn't get shot in the eye.
You can't YEE your last HAW!
But I put my BALLS in ur JAW.
What do nerds and chicks have in common? They both have four eyes.
Your momma's so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her ass is still in 'em!
You walk into a room, and there’s a lot of people waiting in line to punch you... Yeah, that’s the punchline.
What animal howls at the moon and eats cement?
If you guessed wolf, you're right! I threw in the cement to make it hard.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite line in Rambo?
"Don't push me."
Most people my age have had sex. Not my fault I'm not able to fit in.
Wipe your feet before entering, but in Stephen Hawking's case, it is "Wipe your wheels."
What does it say on Stephen Hawking's headstone?
R. I. P. Roll in Peace.
What does a pizza and a Mexican have in common?
One can feed a family.
I went 80 mph in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screamed, "Am I hallucinating?"
What do you call Scooby Doo with a blunt in his mouth? Scooby Dooby.
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?
Kid's.