INS jokes

Lockdown

    • Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

    The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

    So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.

    “Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”

    She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."

    "It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."

    She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45-pound pail of peanut butter!"

    He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants, and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."

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    • Death

    • Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?

    Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.

  • 2

    • Game

    • There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

  • 1
    • INS memes

    Divorce

    • Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "

    ". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"

    Divorce is scheduled for next month.

    Graveyard

    • Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?

    Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...

    Ex

    • Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

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    • Children

    • A couple has sex in the dark every single night.

    One night, the wife gets curious about what goes on, so they start f...ing, and she flicks the light on. When she flicks the light on, she catches him with a dildo playing with her pussy. She's so mad that she started ranting and raving. The husband says, "Honey, I know you're mad, and I'll explain the toy. Just do me one favor: explain the children."

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    • Princess Diana

    • Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

    How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

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    • Heterosexual men

    • Why do heterosexual men like to receive an anonymous blowjob at an adult bookstore? Because they don't want gay men and bisexual men in the LGBT community to find out that they also like getting their cocks sucked by men, but they don't want gay and bisexual men in the LGBT community to find out.

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    • Poop

    • Oh, Mom, there is poop in the toilet still.

    Mom: Oh, that was me and the dog.

    Me: Wait, what????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????