INS jokes

Boi, you can't be talking because if someone punched you in the face, you will be the one to apologize.

Girls are like numbers squared. If they're under 13, just do 'em in your head.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.

How did I know where you would go next?

Oh, I felt it in my bones!

People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.

Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!

Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"

Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"

Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."

Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, of course!"

Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.

What do KFC and a brothel have in common?

They’re both full of greasy chicks.

What do you call two natives in a sleeping bag?

Twix.

What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.

What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?

They will come down your "chimney" tonight.

What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liqueur cabinet.

What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

Little boys turn them on.

What's the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story?

Woody goes limp when a kid walks in the room.

What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?

If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.

What do black parents and elevators have in common?

Neither of them can raise anything without a belt.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

What do blind people and orphans have in common?

They both can't see their parents.