Im jokes

I went for a swim in the river that crosses Mexico, and I saw a Mexican, aka a wetback, swimming across. I asked, and he said, "I'm a wetback."

Person 1: How the freak did you get in my house?!?! I locked the door!!!

Person 2: But I'm your mom... I have a key. You dumbass.

I'm looking for women. Put your height, weight, and bra size in the comments.

Mom: I saw John Cena at WWE.

Son: No way, you can’t see him though.

Mom: God!

Son: What?

Mom: You watch too much reality TV (comes to smack butt).

Son: Also because I’m John Cena.

Mom: Where, where’d ya go?

John Cena: Hey, Mom.

Mom: I’m only 31, you’re 42.

I'm Clueless.

By M. T. Head.

I'm sorry, none of my jokes are very punny.

I was talking to my friends and they said a random topic about cats, and I'm like, "Water you talking about?" =3

(True story)

One day Sally's mom said, "I can just eat you up!" And Sally says, "No, you can't!" Then the mom asks why and Sally says, "Because I'm a beaner, and we don't taste good."

Why can't I talk in the dark?

Because I'm anonymous.

Son: Dad, can I get a girlfriend?

Dad: Son, no, you are only 10, so no.

Son: Dad, I'm leaving to get a girlfriend.

Dad: Son, nooo, you are not my son!

Son: What did you say? *Son slaps the dad.*

Dad: Good, son, goodbye, get out of my home.

Son: Good, you can go move to a new home.

I'm gay because I like men.

Me: MOM, I'm tired.

Mom: Take a nap.

Me: No, I can't sleep if Dad isn't here.

Mom: *hangs picture of dad on her room wall* Well, now you can.

Adopted kid:

Hey, Alex, what are you doing?

Alex:

Nothing, just playing my game. Anyways, you know you can call me "dad."

Adopted kid:

OK, dad Alex.

Alex:

Oh, come on! My game! I’m winning. Let’s go!

Adopted kid:

I’m so glad I have a mom.

A fact! I think I'm officially a poo-buster, as the plunger does look like the weapon in "Ghostbusters"!

The date is April 1st.

Somebody asks you what you are doing.

“I guess you could say I’m... fooling around ( ✧≖ ͜ʖ≖)“

"-Hey dude, you got some beef? You want some beef from me?"

"- No thanks... I'm vegetarian!"

"Roses are red, I'm a girl, Now go and take a hike."

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

When my friend says I suck at something, I'm like, "U swallow."

I saw my girlfriend walking by. I told her, "Wow, you look so beautiful!" and then we started to talk. Then someone came behind me. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm flirting," and I remember I was talking to my mom, and my girlfriend was HER MOM, which is my sister, but my girlfriend/sister IS MY WIFE, but my mom is my wife too. Looks like I'm getting a divorced but which one, my girlfriend [or] my mom?