Im jokes

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

Why did the liberal cross the road?

(Ah, fuck this shit, I'm gonna kill myself!)

Dani: Hey, do you like rapists?

Tess: No!

Dani: Oh, well I'm a rapist!

Tess: Oh!

Yo mama so stupid.

When she was in mandarin class, she asked, "Where are the mandarins? I'm hungry."

I'm hertophobic.

It means I'm allergic to straights.

FRIEND: Hey, want to come to my house?

LONELY ORPHAN/TRUMP: Want to come to my orphange?

FRIEND: Dude, I'm blocking you!

LONELY ORPHAN: :(

Why am I happy? I'm dead.

When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”

I’m am very sad that you guys are making fun of adopted kids because I am adopted :( :( 😢 🥺 😢 😭😭

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

I’m breaking up with you, bitch.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

What did the rapper say to the traffic jam?

"Move over, I'm about to drop some FIRE!"

My hairline may be straight, but I’m not.

I'm holding an African themed party tomorrow. There is no food, and the drinks are 10 miles away!

Hi... I'm depressed.

I'm dying... sike, I lied. You thought I died!

What did Joe Biden say to the dog? I'm gonna molest you.

"Pray to God her inside her head. I'm scared of God."

What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.

"Ouch!"

"What's wrong?"

"I stepped on a screw."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"