Im jokes
Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 when I'm at a nursery.
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
Hi, I am Emma. I'm going to Stan.
Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?
A riddle: My enemy is the Joker, I'm black and I help to save Gotham City. Who am I?
What did Daveon say when he saw a spider? "I'm Dave-on with this!"
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"
The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
I have a joke about construction.
I'm still working on it.
He: I'm Nike, and you're McDonalds.
She: Why?
He: 'Cause I'm doing it, and you're loving it. :)
I work at a tire shop.
I'm pretty tired.
To spite Santa and Greta Thunberg, I'm burning the coal I got for Christmas.