Im jokes

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.

My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.

I know this is supposed to be an emo joke, but does anyone want to play Rocket League?

I'm on PS4, by the way!

My name: Box3d_by_Clapped

You know I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm really, really gay!

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

Hi Stephen. Are you a vegetarian?

Well, you are partly right—I'm a vegetable.

Why couldn't Stephen Hawking pass? Because he couldn't pass "I'm not a robot" test.

I'm a clown.

My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.

I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.

Is it far enough? We publish interviews with people who know a lot about real wars.

Peace: On one case, that's true, but violence is the slogan for it.

Socialism: Yes, morning and evening. So the Sorce Streftator's work must be stopped!

Maoist: Yes, I like Walken Engspert.

Anarchist: Claire, this is why we don't need democracy, I'm Das Zoe Melsen.

Capitalism: Yes, but the truth is that he is ignorant and cannot be considered as an old leader, but as an employee.

Governor: Yes, but a strong left should be as strong as Minister Janomen Vardan or Director Januso Gavrelic.

Patriots: Are there simple megalithic laws?

Neona: Gwen?

Gwen: Yes... what can I do for you?

Neona: You were so right! Mr. Smith has sexual problems and is a fool! I am so sorry that you were not a liar! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!!

Gwen: You should have listened. Plus I'm over it!

Neona: Are you mad at me?

Gwen: Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen.

I'm dead inside.

A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”

Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.

A man enters the bank and says, "Hi, I'm robbing you!" The man was arrested instantly.

I still to this day remember my grandpa's last words.

"I'M ALLERGIC TO FUCKING CATS!"