Im jokes

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️.

A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say.

I'm not completely useless....

I can be used as a bad example!

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

What did Daveon say when he saw a spider? "I'm Dave-on with this!"

Slade must be WiFi... because I’m not feeling a CONNECTION.

I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

BlessedBrian's face is like a mood ring... it turns blue whenever I'M around.

I'm surprised BLESSEDBRIAN can fit through the door, considering how INFLATED his ego is.

A riddle: My enemy is the Joker, I'm black and I help to save Gotham City. Who am I?

What did the rapper say to the fridge? (Part 2)

“I'm HUNGRY for some BARS!"

I’m not calling you a slut, I’m calling you a penny.

Two-faced, worthless, and in everyone’s pants!

What did the rapper say to the traffic jam?

"Move over, I'm about to drop some FIRE!"

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

I don’t know why people don’t say "Cobain," because I’m pretty sure Kurt Cobain didn’t miss his last shot like Kobe did.

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*