Im

Im jokes

Squirrel

    • Trump: Caillou, can you please stop whining? That squirrel didn’t just eat our pizza, he also ditched your dad, and he’s your stepdad now.

    Caillou: Why I’m bald, Trumpy?

    Trump: I don’t know, but what I do know is that you’re a massive shit stain.

  • 2

    • Poem

    • My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

    roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

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    • Dog

    • Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?

    I'm sure you would run away if your name was kjdhfkuaysbgfbkuejgf.

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    • Pope

    • When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”

    "I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”

    “Where do you come from?"

    "Rome."

    “What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

    "No, Rome, Italy, of course."

    “I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”

    To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

    "What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

    "No, Rome, Italy, of course."

    "No, sorry, I don’t know him.”

    Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

    "Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

    "Rome, Italy."

    "No, sorry, never heard of him.”

    Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"

    "What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

    "He says Rome, Italy."

    "No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"

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    • Australian

    • An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

    So I told him he was on my cock.

    (I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)

  • 3

    • Tic Tac

    • I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

    It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

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    • Patient

    • A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

    “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

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    • Magic Trick

    • I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

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    • Girl

    • The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

    One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

    “No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

    “Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

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