If jokes
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?
“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”
If you ever think no one cares about you,
kill someone, then the news will.
What’s the first thing you should do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in your dirty laundry!
What time would it be if Godzilla came to school? Time to run!
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
If a blind person can’t see, then do they sleep?
They’re the night watchers while people who see sleep.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
"WASSUP GIRLS IF I FIND YOU I'LL GLADLY FUCK YOU;]"
So, gender equality is the idea that a woman can do anything a man can, right? That they should be treated the same? So, therefore, if she swings on me, I could punch her into the Twin Towers because of gender equality. I love gender equality.
A priest asks a nun if she has slept with anyone, and the nun says, "Yes, a fucking hot girl!"
If you don’t like mowing your lawn, just get emo grass! It cuts itself!