ID jokes
Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"
Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.
Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."
If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.
Yo mama so fat, she is fat.
"Dick, you're fired."
"I'd buy that for a dollar."
I'd tell a science joke, but I was like, "Nah, it would get no reaction."
What did the Ford Mustang say to the crowd of innocent people?
I'D HIT THAT!
I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.
I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.
I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.
My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he is just Dav.
When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.
Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?
I’d really like to meter.
I'd make a farming joke, but I'm just a little less than corny enough.
I entered Kian's house. At the top of the stair, I was greeted by my greatest fantasy, JOHN. He said in a manly tone, "Hello there." I walked slowly up the stairs and greeted him back. As I walked past his room, I felt uneasy. I walked into Kian's room to find no one. I turned around and gasped. John is standing there, a bulge had appeared and poked me as he got nearer. He pushed me onto Kian's bed. The bed was that bad it broke as I fell onto it. John says, "A broken bed is nothing to worry about." I look up at him in disbelief, he's more masculine than I thought. He thrust himself onto me, his crotch area sticky to the touch. He then ripped a fart as he bent over, at this point I knew it was too late John, the fart he ripped (sticky to the touch) had me so in shock I wasn't ready for what was next, he picked and jumped on my head ripping the most monstrous, enormous, deadly, sticky to the touch fart I'd ever seen, it knocked me out. I awoke to find I was in the WALLS. I looked out to find I was in the glory hole, my worst nightmare had become reality, I fully understood my purpose in life was to the holy glory hole, I heard "GRANDAD CAN I GET SOME V-BUCK" I then knew I was in for some Kian treats.
The end
If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents!
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
I'd make a joke about corn, but it's too corny.
Then again, I could make a joke about eyes, but that would be even cornea. My funny bone is broken. I guess it was because those jokes were too humerus.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”