ID jokes

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

You also have to learn to say no. For example: "Would you like a piece of cake?" "No, I'd like two."

I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

Are you the Twin Towers? Cause I'd love to take you out. 🤭

Hang in there, ya emo bastards! Remember, you could always be dead. Oh, too soon?

No wonder they wanna die so much. I'd wanna die too if I was a freak who listens to Black Veil Brides!

Anybody got a knife? I mean, an emo dildo?

I would make a rape joke, but I'd have to force it down your throat.

I'd love to move to a country ruled by Scott Stapp of Creed. Not only is it a place with golden streets, but it also welcomes people of all kinds with arms wide open.

What did one iceberg say to the other iceberg as the Titanic went by?

"I'd smash that."

My sister said I was only allowed to grate cheese, so I said to her that I’d prove her wrong.

The next day my mum asked me why my cheese was tan, and I said it was my own special recipe. My mum loved the cheese but she didn’t like it much after the funeral.

My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.

I'd tell you a 9/11 joke, but it'd fly over your head and into the Twin Towers.

There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.

When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?

Everyone thought I'd have a great year...

14 years just gave me more chances.

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.

I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.

I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.

Roses are red, colors are blue, if I was you, I'd look like you.