"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
Me: trys to scan self at walmart* i cant scan myself, wanna know why? Alfred: Why? Me: because im worthless... =)
Me: hey do you want to see my grandma. Friend: yeah sure Me: *pulls out gun*
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
What did the suicidal leperchaun say Irish i was dead
When I woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats and eye, but when hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people loose their shit?
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand. He said, But Dad I'm blind. Exactly
I hate people who get offended here, like seriously it's called dark humor for a reason
What's the difference between a knife and my life? A knife has a point
what is the one thing cripples can't do......stand up comedy
what do u call a preist in a room full of naked boys a Colonoscopy
Q: you want to know way I don’t make jokes about 9/11 A: They tend to crash and burn
Dr. Seuss Died September 24 but that was a lie Dr. Seuss when he was 97 he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes Dr. Seuss allahuakbar”
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says "my brother has just been hit by a car." The policeman replied with "OK then first I need to know your name." "Shut up" "No, I need to know your name." "Shut up." "Excuse me but where are your manners." "Round the corner picking up shit."
When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf? When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice....
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
