Humor
Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.
Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.
Lettuce pray.