Humor
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.
Lettuce pray.
A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
I told a chemist a joke.
No reaction.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.