Humor

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.

What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.

Yo mama is so fat, her blood type is Nutella.

Yo mama so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her.

Yo mama is so fat, she takes her selfies in panoramic mode.

Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris orders his coffee black, without water.

Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."

A programmer and his wife.

She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"

He replies, "They had eggs."

Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"

Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.