Humor
What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings? -- A bi-polar-bear.
Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
Can February march? -- No, but April may.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaiins.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"