Humor
One time, a cow saved my life.
It was bovine intervention.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"Ash."
"Ash who?"
"Bless you!"
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings? -- A bi-polar-bear.
Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
Can February march? -- No, but April may.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaiins.
What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"