Humor

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

The three unwritten rules of life:

1. 2. 3.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?