My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
Humor
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
