Humor

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.

As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.

As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.

Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"

What is the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits for a boy to turn twelve before it comes on his face.

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

Why did Hitler get hit by a baseball?

Because he did nazi it coming!

I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.

What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.

Why does a chicken cross the road?

To poop and pee in the potty!

My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.

We never met again.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

What place can you always find suicidal cows at?

"McDonald's."

What does a glass of water ask a pond?

"Water you doing?"

What does the pond answer?

"Pondering life."

Why did Aaron's dad beat him? Because he tensed his ass.

Why did Adam commit suicide? Andy went through the back door.

A girl comes home and finds her dad and 4-year-old brother on the sofa. She says, "Dad, why is he wearing that face mask?"

The dad buckles his belt and says, "There's more for you, hunny."

This is the biggest joke ever - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5j-BH_WdBXdzeoOdG2v2dA

What do most disabled people eat?

Their arm.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.

You want a pizza from me!!!!

Why did the bird lay an egg on Stephen Hawkings?

Because he is Stephen HAWKings.