Humor

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

Ok, so, a mole goes up to a snail and eats him.

It was a seven course meal if I say so myself.

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

"Abortion: Another word for dying at spawn."

Orphan: Shooting gun at shooting range, "I'm out of bullets, got a magazine?"

Guy: That's probably because you're single.

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

Yo mama so fat, she is fat.

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, "I'm cold. Are you cold?"

The other cow says, "Yeah, I'm Fresian."

I told my dad, "I just thought of something funny." He said, "Your face?"

These jokes are offensive. Stop!

Stephen Hawking said God isn’t real, and the Priest put a boot on his tire. 😂😂😂

So, a neutron went to a bar. He asked the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender said, "For you, no charge."

It’s like going to the orphan and telling your mama jokes.

I have a really good construction joke, but I’ll have to post it later because I’m still working on it.

I ran out of bras, so I wore...

My grandma's underpants!

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"