When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
Humor
Even Michael Jordan can't dunk from your hairline! 🤣🤣
I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"
Why couldn't Sally get back up? Because she has no friends.
Gaykelyu
Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.
What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?
Fucks funny.
Yo mama so fat, when she took a picture of herself, her phone ran out of storage.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
Imagine a dragon 🤔.
Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.
What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
I rub lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?
“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
