Humor
Why does nobody talk to the letter G?
Because it's always in the middle of awkward!
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?
A very pissed duck.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
This is a joke. Laugh now or else.
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
Why do cemeteries have fences?
Because people are dying to be there.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.
Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...
Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
Even Michael Jordan can't dunk from your hairline! 🤣🤣