Humor
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?
Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.
I went up to a kid and asked, "Are you an orphan?" They said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The epileptic corn shucker “shucks between fits”...
A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie talkie? He can’t walkie or talkie.
What do you call a bloody pig?
HAMorrhage!
Me: Knock knock.
Person: Who's there?
Me: No-one.
Person: No-one who?
Me:...........
Ha, Uranus face!
Not in a racist way tho.
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.
Me: Guess who came crawling right back?
How does an octopus laugh? Buble buble.
My brother wanted to sharpen my pencil. I told him he had a point.
I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
If you kill an orphan, would that count as a squad wipe?
A man walked into the kitchen and asked his blonde wife what she was doing. She said, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle. It's supposed to be a tiger, but all of the pieces are brown." Her husband then said, "Honey, those are frosted flakes."