Hows jokes
Peter Griffin's chin.
Should I mention how much it looks like a penis?
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
How are infants and chocolate alike? They'll both kill your dog.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
A lot of people claim that white privilege does not exist. Well, how the hell do you explain Michael Jackson not being charged for raping children, despite ample evidence?
How is spinach like anal sex? If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
How do you piss off a feminist? You rape her.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
How did I know where you would go next?
Oh, I felt it in my bones!
One day the teacher said, "There are 3 birds on a wire, a shooter shoots one. How many are left?" The teacher calls on lil Johnny. "None," the teacher said, "no but try again." Lil Johnny says, "None, because if you shoot one the rest get scared and leave." The teacher said, "Not quite, but I like the way you think."
Lil Johnny then says, "Alright teacher, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench, one's sucking it, the other is licking it, and the last one is biting it. Which one is married?" The teacher then says, "The one sucking it, of course!" Lil Johnny then says, "No, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think!"
Wood fired pizza?
How's pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O
Please drop a like.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
How do you confuse a ginger? Throw a cross at them.
How were tire swings made?
A tire said, "Goodbye world," and hung himself.
I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.
The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."
So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.
What did the little boy say to the fat man? How many Japs did you get?
How many letters are in the English Alphabet?
Twenty-two. ET went home, P ran down his leg, and he took ME with him.