Hows jokes
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
How many redheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One! She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"
A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?
Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.
These people who are offended by rape jokes don’t even understand humor. They think of humor as like a happy thing because humor makes us laugh and laughter makes us happy, but most of the jokes that we laugh at are filled with pain and suffering. If I take a joke like, how many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black. Now that joke isn’t making light of the fact that people have marched in the civil rights movement and people have been racially discriminated against. It’s not making light of those, what it’s doing is it’s taking that pain and suffering and making you transcend it for a moment, and showing the absurdity of the human mind, and that is important. Humor at its best takes the bad things in this world that are painful and hard to deal with and makes it something funny.
And before you go in the comments and say I agree with rape, I don’t. I hope everybody who rapes someone to have their dick cut off. My little sister got fucking raped when she was six, and the guy is lucky he got caught by the police and not me, cause if I caught I would have fucking killed him, so I don’t agree with rape, but I still think rape jokes should still not be taken so seriously!
How do fat people settle arguments?
By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.
One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."
"How many men does your wife have?"
How do you stun a Scotsman?
Ask them to say "purple burglar alarm".
How do Chinese people name their kids?
They throw a wok down the stairs.
What's one way to drain someone's ego?
Hand them a mirror, and say they should see how ugly they turned out in life.
How did black people learn to steal sports cars?
By playing GTA nonstop.
What did one sperm say to the other while swimming side by side?
One turns to the other and asks, "How much further to the fallopian tubes?"
The other says, "I’m not sure, we just passed the esophagus."
How are my sister‘s legs and peanut butter alike?\n\nThey’re both smooth and easy to spread.
How do you know when you're near Wacko Jacko's grave? When 'Thriller' is out and about.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
How do terrorists feed their children?
"Here comes the airplane!"
How do terrorists feed their kids?
"Here comes the airplane, and here comes the second one."
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?
About nine months and a day.