How To jokes
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
How to make an orphan's hand bleed? By making them clap until their parents come back.
Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide
Me: Aren't they the same thing?
My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.
I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."
Why do depressed people go to camp? To learn how to tie knots tighter.
How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.
Why did God make men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...
Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.
Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?
How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.
Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
How to get quick cash:
Step 1: Kill a child's parents.
Step 2: Do foster care for them.
Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.
I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
Guy: Do you know how to draw women's rights?
Girl: No, how?
Guy: All you need is a blank paper, and that's it.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.
What do Rihanna and a DJ have in common?
They know how to get a beat down.
Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.