Handle Jokes

YoungYY
in Depression

If it’s true what they say and I quote; “God never gives you more than you can handle”

Then you should pray to those who didn’t, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

in Dark Humor

Why cant Juice Wrld play Black Ops II ? Because he cant handle 6 perks

Anonymous
in Mug

what do you call a cup with a handle?

a mug! HAHA ha… my parents just got a divorce :(

Kejel
in Bar

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer but they only had 2 dollars each. Christopher got an idea and run away to the butcher and see if he got something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

  • Are you crazy?! Said Tony to Christopher. ‘We don’t have any money!’
  • Take it easy now, said Christopher. 'I have a plan.' When they finnished drink everything up christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth. The bartender saw what they did and throw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub. After the 10th pub said Tony: I can’t do this anymore. I am drunk and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk.
  • How do you think i feel? Said Christopher exhausted. ’ I dropped the sausage in the 3th pub!’
Anonymous
in Juice

why cant juice wrld play cod zombies he cant handle 6 perks

Mac Altemara

Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?

They’ll end up only throwing the pin.

Anonymous
in Programming

Yo mama so FAT, she can’t handle files bigger than 4 GB.

ForeheadRoaster
in Forehead

Your forehead is so big that it couldn’t handle a acute angle.

Smasher
in Puns

Why people drink Starbucks because its to hot to handle!!!

random person

A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbour leading a bull down the drive way and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt.

The American dude can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, “Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs.”

‘What do you mean’ says the neighbor, “Those aren’t American customs.”

“Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me” replied the Chinese man. “He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks get piss drunk and listen to bull-shit!”

2
VEG

Micheal Jackson and Tonya Harding got together back in the day for a horse racing venture…Tonya says…“I’ll handle the handicapping, you go ride the 3 year olds”

0
plz dont hate me for this joke

why cant juice wlrd play call of duty zombies

because he cant handle all six perks

Anonymous

Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. “Oh this handles so well !” they exclaimed. Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear ended them. Passenger said to his partner. " You tell that man he’s gonna pay every single cent cuz we’re going to sue him !" So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said “What do you want wimp? " The gay said ,” You just hit our new Pink Porsche and we’re gonna make you pay every single cent cuz we’re gonna sue you!" The trucker said " Oh yeah ? Blow me ! " Gay driver went " Ohhh!" And ran back. Gay partner asked him " What did he say ?" His fruitcake driver said " Ohhh! Its wonderful, he wants to settle out of court !"

2
an actual Eel

a man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs then he says to his boss, i cant handle all of this,.

Ian
in Bow

I broke the sink yesterday the handle just blew right off! my dad was so mad he blew his stack!

Anonymous
in Atom

Why do anions hate each other? Because they can’t handle the negativity!

Tammi Wengerd

As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:

Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.

Devil: Did she just twitch?

A: No. She didn’t twitch.

D: I think I saw her finger twitch.

A: Well, even if it did, it’s her thigh the techs are aiming at.

D: She wants to scratch her face.

A: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.

D: But her cheek has an itchy spot.

A: She can just let it itch. She doesn’t need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.

D: Wow…that cheek is really itchy…

A: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliver’s smile…

D: How about a song?

A: Good idea!

D: How about… “Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down…”🎶

A: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! She’s in the middle of a treatment! You know that’s the only part she knows!

D: That’s okay. She’ll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and…

A: Don’t be so mean!

D: “Never going to give you up…🎶”

A: Stop it!

D: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!

A: No, she didn’t.

D: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over…

A: She didn’t screw anything up!

D: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!

A: That’s not how it works…

D: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor won’t get enough radiation.

A: They know what they are doing!

D: …And it won’t shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.

A: No! No! No! That’s not how any of this…

D: …And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.

A: Stop this right now!!

D: “Never going to give you up…🎶”

A: Stop!

D: “…never going let you down…🎶”

A: I’m not going to let you…

D: “Never going to give you up…🎶” .

Techs: Okay. That’s it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?

Tammi: …Oh, I’m fine…

I have a joke about doors but you can’t handle it😂

Karmasutra
in Vegetable

Q: Why did the vegetable cross the road? A: Cause someone let go of the handle bars

Some R.....
in Puns

I can’t handle these puns…

But I can HAND YOU some puns

budum tisss