How To jokes

Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.

Why do orphans not know how to play baseball?

Because they cannot find home.

How do Chinese people name their kids?

They roll a coin down the staircase and it says, "Ching chang chong..."

I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.

I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"

He gave me a book.

It was the Quran.

I said, "What the hell is that?"

He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."

A man found out that he was going to die.

A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"

Then he died and learned how to say no in German....

My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."

So I said, "But which one?"

You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know how to get to home.

What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.

Yo mama was so dumb, he didn't know how to turn on his computer.

What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A sturgeon!

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."

Some of you people on here are complete incels and need to learn how to spell and properly construct simplistic grammatical sentences that actually make sense.

Chuck Norris told those three men how to climb Trump's wall.

I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.

The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."

So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."

At 5 years old, I already knew how to throw paper airplanes thanks to my Arabian relatives!

How to tell your kid is adopted? Hi Daisy, let's play a game called "You're adopted!" I will start: Your mum died so I had to adopt you, but don't think I love you because you were the only kid there, haha!

Q: How to hit an orphan?

A: Hit them with a family tree.

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!