How To jokes
What's the number one thing in an orphan's search history?
"How to find a family."
Why do orphans have phones?
Because they don't know how to call home.
Why did the rapper smoke dope?
To learn how to drop some DOPE beats!
"Nining leven BITCH. I don't know how to spell, but it's that shit where the planes flew into them towers."
How to be a hero.
1. Tie a noose in your front yard.
2. Find and capture a furry.
3. Hang that furry because they deserve it.
It’s easy as 1-2-3!
It's a shame Iran doesn't know how to restrain Israel. If only they had Hitler's expertise.
Now he really would be THE FINAL SOLUTION!
What did the parents rearrange the furniture to punish a child?
Guess he was a stupid blind motherfucker 🖕 that didn't even know how to use a cane to figure out where they put the furniture.
You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?
Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.
I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.
Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
Yo momma's so fat, she doesn't know how to play bacon.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know how to get to home.
How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."
I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.
Q: How to hit an orphan?
A: Hit them with a family tree.
I named my cousin's parrot Michell, and then I started to call Mikey "Mikey", right? I'm starting to teach my cousin Sammy how to say "Mikey Mikey" and he says "mekiy meiky" 😆
Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?
A. She didn't know how to swallow.
How to know something won’t be fun:
Someone will say, "C'mon, it’ll be fun!"
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
Your forehead is so long, even Einstein didn’t know how to cross it.