I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
How To Jokes
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
People were deciding how to punish a terrible criminal, and one man came up with a great idea.
He sat him in a movie theater with no food at all and made him watch a 12 hour documentary about the country Hungary.
Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.
Me: How does this thing work?
ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.
ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*
Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.
How to get rid of your depression:
1. Stop self-pitying.
2. Realize you can't.
3. Fucking deal with it.
You're welcome.
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
I walked into the school for disabled kids and asked them if they knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes." Turns out they only knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Wheels, and Frame."
Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly, or...
Are they just given a quick crash course?
- What did the skeleton say to his friend?
- Actually... TIBIA honest, I don't know how to complete this joke...
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.
Why are Mexican families so big?
They don’t know how to put a condom on.
What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?
Domi-don't-knows...
I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.
How to make holy water:
1. Grab a pot.
2. Put water in it.
3. Set the stove to 420 degrees.
4. Boil the hell out of it.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
