How to get rid of your depression:
1. Stop self-pitying.
2. Realize you can't.
3. Fucking deal with it.
You're welcome.
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.
People were deciding how to punish a terrible criminal, and one man came up with a great idea.
He sat him in a movie theater with no food at all and made him watch a 12 hour documentary about the country Hungary.
Why was Helen Keller truly an inspiration?
She learned how to read and write despite being from Alabama!
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
I walked into the school for disabled kids and asked them if they knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes." Turns out they only knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Wheels, and Frame."
- What did the skeleton say to his friend?
- Actually... TIBIA honest, I don't know how to complete this joke...
Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly, or...
Are they just given a quick crash course?
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
Why are Mexican families so big?
They don’t know how to put a condom on.
What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?
Domi-don't-knows...
how to make holy water 1-grab a pot 2-put water in it 3-set the stove to 420 degrees 4-boil the hell out of it
I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
Chuck Norris trained Dude Perfect how to do it.
