How To jokes

Why did God create women before men?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?

Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.

People were deciding how to punish a terrible criminal, and one man came up with a great idea.

He sat him in a movie theater with no food at all and made him watch a 12 hour documentary about the country Hungary.

Me: How does this thing work?

ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.

ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*

Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.

Why was Helen Keller truly an inspiration?

She learned how to read and write despite being from Alabama!

Why are Mexican families so big?

They don’t know how to put a condom on.

How to get rid of your depression:

1. Stop self-pitying.

2. Realize you can't.

3. Fucking deal with it.

You're welcome.

This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"

I walked into the school for disabled kids and asked them if they knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes." Turns out they only knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Wheels, and Frame."

- What did the skeleton say to his friend?

- Actually... TIBIA honest, I don't know how to complete this joke...

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly, or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

There's a saying that goes, "Only gay men know how to dress." Of course they know how to dress! They were in the closet!

I was confused when they asked me, "Do you know how to fly a plane?" Then, when I said, "No," they said, "Perfect!"

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?

Domi-don't-knows...