Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”
Person 2: “Seven.”
Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”
Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”
(Based on an encounter I had recently)
How Many Jokes
How many emos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they sit in the dark and cry.
So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...
How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.
There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
How many ears does Captain Picard have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 8 because my basement is still dark.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.
There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?
Zero, they were copycats.
Why do American guns only have 30 bullets?
'Cause that's how many kids are in a class.
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
How many times do you tickle a squid before it laughs?
TEN-TICKLES
How many genders are there?
One, women are property.
How many wives does Santa have?
Ho Ho Ho!
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they can't change anything.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't change anything.
I am just kidding, you know gay jokes aren't funny, come on guys.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
