History jokes

Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln

Interviewer: Hey JFK, what’s your favorite song by Jessie J?

JFK: I er ah Bang Bang.

(Pick-up line) If your tits are the Twin Towers... can I be your Osama?

The Earth was flat until they buried you.

They say Jesus walked on water.

That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

What do you call a dinosaur with a butt?

A Butt-asaurus.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

The bartender asks, "Don't you mean Martini?"

Julius Caesar says, "No, I only want one."

Did y'all ever hear about the great thunder crash of September 11th?

Who are the fastest readers? The people who were in 9/11. They went through 91 stories in 1.2 seconds.

The view is so much better without those twins covering the city.

Well, that was a blow up!

What do you call a war dodo named Bob in WW2 and he came from Mars?

Bruno Mars.

What's the difference between the Queen's death and Princess Diana's death? The Queen died in peace, not pieces.

2001, Angry Birds was so amazing. Over 500 people in 2 birds.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because walls.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common?

Once they're gone, they never come back.

What do you get when you mix Harry Houdini, a basketball, and the 17th president?

Magic Johnson.

Who would win?

The laws of the Catholic Church which have been effective for over 900 years,

Or one horny Henry?

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens didn't exist then.

It was a sunny day and I was in school. I had history lessons and we had a cool subject! The subject was about Penaldo, the man who statpadded against small teams and camped in the pen spot! Our teacher showed us a map with marked countries in which Penaldo dived like a dolphin!