History jokes
Jeffrey Dahmer was eating at 5 Guys before it was a restaurant.
Fun fact: Toasters were originally called tanning breads!
Why were the Twin Towers mad? They ordered pepperoni pizza, and all they got was plane.
The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.
If I make a summer camp for kids with concentration problems, will it be a "Concentration Camp"?
Back in ancient Greece, there was a Greek Skyrim, but instead of FUS ROH DAH, the main character said, "Me damnit, Ganymede, get the #10 lightning bolt, I hate it when Helios lets his kids drive!"
If you don't get this, look up the story of Phaethon, and if you STILL don't get it, then you are dumb.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.
The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman then says, "Look, if I want a double, I'll ask for one."
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.
Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.
Sniff a liter of petrol. You'll go back to the dream time at.
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK
Hippity Hoppity, women are my property.
Bippity Boppity, get the f*ck off my property!
Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
Why did Steven Hawking die?
A quad rasher ran him over.
Q: Did you hear about the Twin Towers?
A: No, what happened?
Q: Apparently, the design was fundamentally floored!
What’s worse than dropping your ice cream?
The Holocaust.
What's the difference between the baby I just killed and Isaac Newton?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.