Him jokes

A student was peeking in on a 10/10 chick, and the guy was about to nut.

The school shooter patted his back and told him to leave his corpses alone.

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills, so he asks the bartender if it's a jar of tips. The bartender says no, it's for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, "Well, if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler's mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month." So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog. When all is silent, the man walks in and asks, "So where is the fat lady with the tooth?"

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

Cesar: What was that good salad called?

Servant: Ceaser, Cesar.

Cesar: Okay, what's going to be the weather like?

Servant: Hail, Cesar.

Cesar: Yes, I know "Hail Cesar," but I need to know what the weather's like!

Servant: Well, it's hail, Cesar.

Cesar: AHHHHH! Send him to the DUNGEONS! NOW!

What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him having sex? "You're wheelie good at this!"

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put him in the microwave until his bill Withers.

I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.

Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

I saw this kid sitting on the sidewalk and asked him where are his parents?

I love working at an orphanage.

Someone went up to an orphan and asked him why he was talking to the air. He said he was talking to his mom.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

The depressed kid tried to high five the tree.

But the tree left him hanging!

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Why did the pervert sing "Gucci Gang"?

Because a woman just gave him a lil pump.

A penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him up!

"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"

"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."

"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."